The Decisions of Others
by mon-petit-pois
Summary: Ziva makes a startling discovery relating to a tumultuous time in her and Tony's past.


"What the hell is this?!"

Tony whirls around to find a red-faced Ziva standing in the doorway to his room, dangling a piece of paper in front of her. He frowns.

"I don't know," he replies, truly puzzled.

"Tony..." she trails off, walking slowly towards where he stands, "Look at this and explain this to me. Because I... I do not..." She is nearly speechless. Anger and grief fill her staunched words; her eyes convey a message of pure pain and confusion. She holds out the wrinkled piece of paper for him to look at. He quickly snatches it from Ziva's hand.

It only takes a second for it to click.

"You were never supposed to see this," Tony tells her, his voice agonized, his eyes begging for understanding as they locked with hers.

Tears form in her eyes. "Please, Tony, tell me it is not what I think."

He sighs, running his hand through his hair. "I can't do that. I'm sorry. I should've gotten rid of it the second we returned."

"Tony..." Her voice is dangerously close to a whisper. "This is a _suicide note_."

Again, Tony sighs. "I know." He tries to fold the offending letter in his hands and store it in his pocket so he could burn it later. "You weren't supposed to see it. You were supposed to be dead."

Ziva stops his hand as it is about to file the paper away in his pocket, not hesitating to take the note from his hand. She is silent for a minute as she stares at the folded, crinkled piece of notebook paper. She lets this recent discovery sink in.

He went to Somalia to die. Somewhere, in the back of her mind, she had known this, but holding in her hands the blatant evidence of this fact forced her to face what she has always suspected.

"How could you not have told me this, Tony?" Her voice is broken, offended.

"I did."

"When? Because I'm _fairly certain_ I would remember my partner telling me he was suicidal!" she retaliates, her voice escalating into a shout.

"I told you, Ziva. I can't live without you," he replies, shrugging as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"I knew that you were running a lot of risks on that mission. But I never thought it was... Premeditated suicide-by-terrorist!" She leans against the dining room table for much-needed support.

"You've got it wrong."

"Really?!" she scoffs, disbelieving.

"_Yes. _I wanted to avenge your death. I wanted to stop Saleem, finish what you died trying to do. I knew there was a high possibility I wouldn't make it out. I just... Didn't know whether or not I preferred it that way," he tries to explain.

"So the note?" Ziva presses, brandishing it in front of him.

"It wasn't really a suicide note," he denies.

Ziva frowns disapprovingly and unfolds the paper and beings to read aloud: "_Dear Gibbs, Tim, Abby, and Ducky. I am_-"

"Stop," Tony demands, "I don't need to hear it."

"If this is not a suicide note, then _what is it_?" Ziva questions.

"It was a... Just-in-case note."

"What is the difference? You knew the chances of making it out were slim, or at least you thought they were. But you did not mind. That is suicide Tony," she insists.

"Shut up! Just stop it! What do you know about this? You don't-"

"Tony," she interrupts, "You were not the only one who went to Saleem to die. Our situations were very... Similar."

Tony lets that sink in. After a minute, he responds, "Then you have no right to criticize me."

Ziva sighs and sits the paper down on the table, taking a step closer to him. "You are right. I do not. But... I can not bear the thought that you were suicidal because of my actions."

"Oh, that's rich, David. Did you know I spent _every day_ that you were gone blaming myself for you being gone? Maybe if I hadn't shot Rivkin, if I hadn't gone to your house that day, if I had just trusted you... Maybe then you wouldn't have gone on that stupid mission to your death. Do not judge me, Ziva. I did what I had to do that summer in order to be at peace. If anyone would understand that, it should be you. You did the same thing, only you didn't go as far as to write a note so that your loved ones could know why you did what you did; so they could have closure," Tony accuses.

Ziva is taken aback. "I am sorry, are you accusing me of being selfish?!"

"I'm accusing you of being a hypocrite. I went to Somalia to kill Saleem, and die doing it if I must. I recall that you did the exact same thing! How can you be angry with me?!"

"I went to Somalia because I had nothing left in this world! I was forsaken, alone, unloved, _unwanted!_ You, on the other hand, have family who loves you. I am angry because you should not have thrown that all away for my sake. I do not deserve it. You had everything you needed!" she throws back.

"But I didn't have you! And you were dead because of _my _mistakes! I acted rashly. I know that. But_ I couldn't live without you_, Ziva, why is it you're having so much trouble wrapping your head around this?"

"Because no one has ever cared that much!" she screams at him. Tears form in her eyes and she needs to practically put all of her weight on the table to remain upright.

Tony feels a pang in his heart as he watches his partner break down in front of him. After no longer than a second of inaction, he has closed the gap between them and enveloped her in a comforting hug.

"No one, not even my own father," she continues, her voice muffled by his shirt, "has ever loved me enough to do such a thing."

Tony can't formulate a response. He slowly guides them to his couch and they sink into the cushions.

The room is silent, save for her ragged breathing, for a few minutes. Finally, the silence is broken as she lifts her head from his chest.

"I do not deserve such loyalty, devotion... Love," she tries to convince him. "You should not have wanted to give up your life simply because I was gone."

"But I did, and there's no changing that now. You're here because of it, and I wouldn't trade that for anything."

Silence once again engulfs them as Ziva digests his words. It was a lot to take in. She listens to his gentle heartbeat as she contemplates his decisions and her own.

"Why did you keep the note?" she asks, interrupting the silence for one last, but ever-important question.

Tony frowns. "I don't know. Maybe to remind me how close I came to losing everything. To remind me to never let it happen again."

Ziva smiles and looks up at him.

"Do not worry. I am not going anywhere."

A/N: Please leave a review!


End file.
